Finding my mommy voice

What she says is true

2008-12-03T11:46:00.004-05:00

I'm going to be honest here. Mean Mommy has guided me more than once before and I can't help but think what she recently posted about is more than true. The 14 month itch. Dear God, its intense. As of late I've felt positively insane. I'm thinking about how I can start another business, perhaps write a book or take on some other enormous creative project....or maybe we can just have another baby and I can start all over again. Jesus.

I'm not giving away any secrets here in saying that the dear husband and I want more than one kid but I do feel seriously bi-polar about it. One minute I'm all on board, come honey, let's go. The next minute I freak out about how what little time I have to myself will be decimated, and how I'll never sleep again. Its not helping that EVERYONE I know has gotten pregnant all at once. Its like freaking post-war baby boom among my friends. Its causing me to forget how uncomfortable it is to sleep when you are huge, how gross than nauseous feeling is, and that is not even speaking of the labor or the post partum crap.

Awh, babies.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Someone please sedate me before I mistakenly seduce my husband. Surely I can find something to fill my days.

Maternity leave

2008-10-17T10:04:00.003-04:00

I know, I know, I know - I went MIA on you. I don't even have a good excuse, other than I just kind of fell away from blogging. But I will say, Henry and I had a great summer. We got outside a ton, and now that the weather is cooling down and I'm officially crippled and couped up again with cold and flu season there will be more time for writing.

So let's see - what have I missed?
Henry turned one, started walking. Big man on campus.
Henry has his first dump in the tub. A very loose dump indeed.
He's learned how to "high five" and give open mouthed kisses.
We also started swimming lessons this past summer and had one lesson canceled because another child in the classes booted in the pool. Fun times.

So that about sums it up. I do promise to be back with some regularity from now on.
Right now I need to get one more cup of caffeine in me, take a shower and start the laundry, all while the boy sleeps.

Have teeth, will travel

2008-07-21T21:39:00.002-04:00

Getting your child a passport is undeniably a pain in the arse. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I get it - we live in a whole new post 9/11 world. Identity creation and proving one's citizenry is a tricky thing. That still doesn't help me here.

So a good friend and I have been leaping through all the required hoops to get our sons their passports for - get this - trips to the freaking Carribean. Remember when traveling to the Carribean simply required showing your pearly white American teeth....maaaybe flashing a driver's license? Bah. No more. Now apparently the land of pina coladas and margaritas is on lock down to everyone including my highly suspicious son complete with angelic baby curls and big blue eyes. Everyone knows 9 months olds are renown smugglers and terrorists.

I will say that if anyone in security so much as suggests that they need to touch him I'm pulling my insane momma bear routine. Back away from the new mom, folks. Back away.

But I guess its for the best, the real intention of it all is probably to prove that he's ours and not some kidnapped cherub from the Dominican. I digress.

So after filling out what seemed like the longest form in history AND getting a freaking notarized explanation of why only ONE parent could be present for the formal application (umm, because daddy makes the pay-pah?) we are closing in on the final piece of the puzzle: the passport photos.

Wouldn't you know the moment we arrive at our local CVS my dear son breaks into a fever, becomes the most ornery child on the planet and I swear is pushing teeth out like there is no tomorrow. He freaks at the mere sight of the overly enthusiastic photo girl, and proceeds to lose it even more when she dare whips out her camera. The situation became so dire that we decided that moment might not be the best time for this milestone. Perhaps tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and we are right back where we left off. Freaking out, squinty and crying surely does not meet the US standards for acceptable photos. I try everything - I walk with him around the store, I give him the previously thought "never fail" zwieback toast. Nada. I become the mother whom everyone looks at, "What is she doing to that poor child?"

Trying to take him out of the country, that's all. Christ.

Finally, I slowly make my way back to the photo desk while trying to distract Henry so he should not realize it. I give the signal to the girl, quickly toss him up in front of the white background and SNAP. The result is the saddest passport photo in the history of passport photos. The poor child looks like he's being held hostage or just ate a lemon.

I thank the kind passport lady profusely for helping us through the required task. We then make our way to the post office to complete the epic adventure. Paperwork in, mission accomplished.

However, it doesn't end there. My good friend, whom I mentioned earlier goes to the same CVS later that day to get her son's photo taken. Apparently the same "kind" passport lady was so amused at the influx of baby passport photos that she shows off Henry as, most likely, an example of what you do NOT want your photo to look like. My friend was amused to see Henry up on the photo screen for all the town to see.

Did I mention that photo stays with us for five years?
At the very least, we are bound to amuse some depressed customs official.

And for your first Father's Day ... I'll break my face

2008-06-15T18:54:00.002-04:00

No one has ever called me graceful, I think I know why.

My husband, who has risen to fatherhood with a natural ability and sweetness that brings a tear to my eye, had to fly up the stairs today after I yelled for him to find me on my knees - face covered in blood. Somehow I slipped on our dining room floor and connected my face to the hard corner of our rocking chair. Thankfully I wasn't holding Henry at the time of my flight. I also don't think I broke my nose, its not swelling too badly, and I don't think I'll have a black eye - but dear GOD it hurt. And the blood. I was dizzy from the volume lost. It wasn't pretty people. Not pretty at all.

So happy Father's Day my love. I thought I would give you something to remember your first with.

Momma said there'd days like this..

2008-05-21T08:58:00.007-04:00

3:50am - Baby boy wakes up feverish. Temp is 101 and he's due for a dose of Tylenol. Dose administered, diaper changed and I pull him into the guest room with me. I'm not freaking out (despite this being our first serious cold) but I would like him near me until his fever goes down.

5:25am - Baby boy perfects the "volcano-effect" with vomit. Its everywhere. I had no idea that I had the ability to produce that much breastmilk..... in my life. I swear he threw up gallons. Clearly the sleeping gods are punishing for me for co-sleeping with a sick child. Clean up commences, day begins.

5:45am - Make pot of coffee. Sweet nectar of life.

6:45am - Baby boy rejects all solids as he has for the past 24 hours, which means he'll be attached to my chest until this plague passes.

7:00am - I nurse him and then while changing his diaper I get peed on. I then successfully get baby boy back down to sleep (he's showing signs of exhaustion.) Normal nap schedule aborted.

7:15am - Let dogs out. Our longer haired dog, Riot, love her though I do has this issue with the hair on her ass. Its too long and very prone to crap dingleberries. Every once in a while it "complicates" things and she needs a bath IMMEDIATELY after her walk. Of course today would be one of those days.

7:20am - Giving a Riot an ass bath in the tub and literally cutting the crap off her. I want to cry.

7:30am - After cleaning the tub I sterilize myself with the hottest shower I can stand. I try to compose myself until the water turns ice cold due to my husband getting in the other shower.

7:35am - I crawl into bed with my bathrobe and towel on turban-style and pull the comforter over my head.

Thankfully, Jim is working from home today (he's not feeling that great himself) so I don't feel as desperate to throw myself from the roof. However, while trying to maintain sanity I was remembering in elementary school when something unfair or not right happened on the playground. Everyone would yell, "Do over!"

I would like to request a "do over" on May 21th.

wind from my sails

2008-05-20T11:58:00.002-04:00

He's sick. Figures that the FIRST TIME my son sleeps through the night is probably because he was sick.

He woke up Monday with a loose cough but I just thought I would keep an eye on it. Later in the day I changed him and he felt warm. He had a low grade temp and the pediatrician said, "non-specific virus." I asked if this virus could cause unusual behavior "non-specifically." She said yes.

Sigh.

However, I am trying to appreciate the fact that now I know he physically can sleep that long.... even if a stupid virus made him do it.

milestone of milestones

2008-05-19T06:34:00.003-04:00

Even as I type this I can hardly believe it. Last night, Sunday May 18th, my son slept soundly from 7pm to 6am, straight through, for the ... first ....time ....ever. I woke up this morning so happy, and yet feeling like I must still be in some strange dream state. But no, thank you God no, it was TRUE.

My acceptance speech:
It has been such a long time coming and such a hard road to get to this point, but I would like to thank everyone who has supported us in getting us here. We surely would have fallen much to pieces a million times over without all of you. We have no expectations for tonight or even tomorrow night, but we are optimistic and are going to try our best for a repeat performance some time in the near future. To all our fans, we love you and would like to dedicate this award to you.

Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!

night-night nursing no more

2008-05-17T13:48:00.004-04:00

Somehow we have regressed. I'm fully aware that I've played a big part in this. I've been a big softy and night-nursed him with much frequency. I've given my little man every excuse in the book, (Maybe its that he's is at the height of separation anxiety. Maybe its a "wonder week." Maybe its that he's teething. Maybe he's not getting enough calories during the day. Maybe he's cold. Maybe he's wet.) Well all of that - no more! I think the moment of clarity came when a friend reminded me that I really need to get a handle on this before he starts standing in his crib. I paused and whispered, "sweet baby Jesus, you are so right."

Friday night came and I was full of new resolve. I decided that a near 8 month old need NOT eat at night. We had a rough hour from 1am -2am, but I decided my will was stronger and he was not getting any boob juice. By the grace of some higher power, he did finally succumb and slept until 6:45am. Ummm people, that's 12 hours (not uninterrupted, of course, but still.)

Last night we had a similar performance, not quite as strong as night one but my optimism is not wavering. I have convinced myself that he can go the night without eating and that's where we are going to stay.

So it is on bended knee, with a weary head that I beg....Dr. Ferber please don't fail me now. I need you more than ever.

Child induced injury

2008-04-17T07:30:00.003-04:00

As if pushing him out wasn't enough, as if the fact that he physically sucks the life out of me on a daily basis wasn't enough - throw chronic injury from over-usage to the list! That's right kids, mommy has tendinitis of the wrist! And yet I'm still typing to tell you about it. That's love, people.

The pain in my left wrist began shortly after the littlest king's arrival. Initially I thought it was all due to the fact that I've been using my laptop almost exclusively since he was born. My previous workstation, in the cave of our basement was better equipped for typing and such. I thought it was going to be the price I was going to have to pay for the convenience of working upstairs. I tried to improve my working conditions, bought a new keyboard, wrist support, blah, blah, blah and yet no improvement. Bah.

My next strategy was just to grin and bear it because really - who has time for this? The pain isn't THAT bad, its more annoying than anything. It will go away.

It hasn't.

Its now been months that my wrist has been sore and the most troubling part is that I couldn't figure out why. I sincerely think this blockage of reason was my mother mind trying to block out the true reason for the pain, for some instinctual fear the realization would cause me to abandon my son. But ah-ha! I'm smarter than my primal mind - maternal instincts be damned.

Recently, I was schlepping the boy on my left hip, my hip of choice and realized my left hand was wrapped way around him in a hyperextended position. I looked at him and said, "It's YOU! You, my dear boy, are making me ache."

Off to the (expectedly useless) general practitioner we went. Apparently this is very common for new moms as they carry their increasingly heavy babies in ways their bodies aren't used to. She doled out some sage advice like, "Ice, Ibuprofen and rest." I got me a super duper wrist support that is so honking I only wear when I can stand it (not now.)

As I left the doctor's, she said, "The only real relief will come when he starts walking and you won't have to carry him everywhere."

Suddenly, my wrist doesn't hurt so bad. I'm definitely not ready for walking.

Post music class stupidity

2008-04-10T11:57:00.003-04:00

Henry and I had our first music class today. We danced, we sang, we wiggled. All fun stuff. Super.

The class starts precisely at the time Henry's morning nap typically commences. This worries me but I figure (correctly) that he'll be memorized by the music and put up with the class with no fuss. Mommy intuition dead on.

The class winds down and I can tell he's just done. His diaper is wet and I want to get him out of there STAT. So we pile up our stuff which includes the honking big diaper bag, (love my bag though I do, I'm a small purse kind of gal. This big bag stuff sucks.) my Bjorn, and the big bag of materials we receive in the first class. Apparently there are CDs, reference materials, the sheet music (oh, we are not messing around. Little did I know this was music class for baby Mozarts.)

So back to the state of Henry - its not looking good. We dart for the car, boy on my hip, bag on my shoulder, music crap and Bjorn under my arm.

Keys. Where the eff are my keys?

The boy is squirming due to wet diapers and it dawns on me I can't just put him down on the pavement of the parking lot. We are momentarily locked out of the car. Crap.

I put the music and the Bjorn on the roof of the car and kind of lean the child on the hood of my car while I rifle through my bag to find the elusive keys. Ah-ha! I break in, change the boy on the front seat and I'm sure you guys know the end of this story already. We zip out of there and leave the Bjorn and the music crap on the roof. I don't even realize it until I get home and there is this condescending message on my machine:

"Um hello - Lauren? This is Diane from the Rec. department. We found a Bjorn in the parking lot and have been tracking down all the babies in your class to see who it might belong to."

What she was really saying was,
"Um - hi Lauren? We are looking for the worst mother in your music class. So we've been calling everyone individually and the unanimous vote was that its you."

Despite the complex I'm refusing to admit that I'm developing - I'm pissed. There was no mention of the music materials in the message which means its somewhere on the streets of my town. I paid precisely a million dollars for this class and I want the freaking materials. What's really annoying is that I can't even go do a quick look around because music class officially kicked Henry's ass and he's been asleep for 2+ hours. So instead of enjoying this deliciously long nap, kicking my heels up and enjoying my saved episode of Top Chef, I'm seething at the pure annoyance of it all.

Bah!

Not funny....blood

2008-04-03T09:44:00.008-04:00

Maybe when you have kids your sense of humor drops down a notch, maybe our level of sophistication is somehow debased - whatever the case I can't help but be amused at a recent episode in our household.

This is truly the not funny part:
Earlier this week I was clipping Henry's ridiculously fast growing nails. If I don't keep up with him, he scratches the crap out of his face and I hate to see that. Now, I know this is something that most moms hate doing but I had thought I was getting really good at doing this, given the frequency I seem to have to do it.

So I get the job done, Henry puts up with me with relatively no fuss. I give the boy to his father for a quick story before bed. I clean up and return to the scene to retrieve the boy to make way for bedtime.

What's that?!

A smear of something on his face, and stains on his sleeper. The boy is bleeding! I nicked his finger and my boy-made-of-steel didn't even complain. I tried to react as coolly as possible, given my first-time mom synapses are firing, "Oh my God - BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD." We bandage him up, good as new. This fire has been put out and no frantic calls to the pediatrician were made. Phew.

The next morning, my husband realizes in our moment of need we totally dropped the ball and missed the PERFECT opportunity to quote one of my favorite YouTube movies.

Not FUN-KNEEEE! Not FUN-KNEEEE! Bluuud!

Regardless, I've been chuckling about it all week.

Henry's multiple choice

2008-03-28T11:20:00.002-04:00

After significant progress in the sleep department with Henry, we've seen an average of two wakings a night (thank you Dr. Ferber!) Last night, however, the boy decided to throw me under the bus and was up from 10:30pm to 2am, then waking for the day at 6am. Was the reason for this regression:

a) his long, late afternoon nap (from 2:30 to 5pm)
b) the fact that we started sweet potatoes yesterday, his first non-cereal food
c) he is teething- at his last pediatrician's visit the nurse practitioner felt "bumps" - but we all know that could be the state of things for weeks.
d) he is killing me slowly
e) all of the above

It almost seems silly to try and guess, because quite honestly it could have been the freaking phases of the moon keeping him up, but part of me can't stop myself for hypothesizing.

Gerber, I ain't

2008-03-27T21:39:00.009-04:00

Go ahead call me a hippie, earth mother. I've been called worse. That's right I'm making my own baby food.

Now here is the deal: I like to cook and quite honestly the idea of making my own baby food actually sounded like fun. I have friends who have done it and claim its not all that much work, if you make bigger batches and freeze it so I thought I'd take a stab at it.

Today was our first attempt: sweet potatoes.

Because it seems to be my approach to all things parenting I went to the library and got out every book on the subject that I could find. After sifting through the stack I ultimately bought this book and this book. Mostly I liked the nutritional information in the Yaron book (the purple cover) and I liked the menus in the Young book. Everything that I did today was a result of something I read in one of those two books.

I started the experiment out with a trip to the supermarket - boy in tow. We bought two sweet potatoes (he picked them out), two ice cube trays, some freezer bags, and a frozen bag of organic sweet peas for our next meal in a few days (sweet peas were surprisingly hard to find without salt added.)

I got home washed my hands, washed the counter surfaces, the ice cube trays and tried to be as clean as possible in general. I peeled the sweet potatoes and decided that if I'm going to keep this up I DEFINITELY need a better vegetable peeler- because honestly, is there anything worse?

I boiled the potatoes until they were tender - about 15 minutes, and then spooned the cooked veggies into my (WICKED AWESOME) Cuisinart Food Processor. I can't find a link for the exact model I have, but I swear this thing could drive you to work its so powerful. If I could only remember what wonderful person(s) picked it off our wedding registry a million years ago I would make them something incredible using it.

Anyways, back to the task at hand: I pureed the crap out the veggies until it looked well, like baby food. I was surprised at how easy this was to achieve. My potatoes were velvety smooth and tasted pretty damn good (yes, I tasted them!) I spooned my orange puree into my ice cube trays and before it cooled I wrapped it in tin foil to freeze. (I think the reason for this is it reduces the possibility of bad bacteria infiltrating my orange colored goodness.)

I didn't freeze all of it though, I left one serving out and let that cool down to slightly warmer than room temperature. Tentatively I approached the boy with baby spoon and orange goo in hand fearing the worst.

Dear God, he likes it! AND, he didn't get sick! Amazing!

Once I scrounge up the receipt from today's venture to the market I can tell you exactly how much I spent per serving. I'm expecting it to be pretty freaking affordable because those two potatoes are going to yield us 14 quarter cup servings. Heck, I might start feeding the whole family this way.

Edited to add:
I found the receipt! I'm including the price of the sweet potatoes as well as our recent adventures.

This is of course using my supermarket and adding a touch of water to get the right consistency for a baby just starting on solids.

Each serving is 1/4 cup, or 4 tablespoons, or 2 ounces
Sweet potatoes: $.11
Peas: $.13
Pears: $.29

April Fools comes early

2008-03-27T09:40:00.002-04:00

This is a great trick to play on your husbands/boyfriends. At the time I had no idea, but I just might have to do it every April 1st from now on...

Last night when Jim came home I had our digital thermometer in my hand. Apparently it looks JUST like a pregnancy test. He looked at me and demanded, "What is THAT?"

I think its the closest he's ever come to crapping his pants, which he of course denies, but I saw the terror in his eyes.

"Sweetness, I'm .......98.6 degrees!"

Just one day

2008-03-27T09:32:00.004-04:00

Don't even get me started on what was required when Henry and I went to Florida for five days, but this past weekend I was marveling at the sheer volume of stuff that is required for a simple day trip, no overnight.

The crappage includes:

Many spare diapers
Wipes
More than one receiving blanket
Henry's top three toys
Spare outfit (in case of blow out)
Sleeping outfit (for the ride home, in the futile hope that he'll just stay asleep when we get home)
Bottle
Cereal
Baby spoon
Activity Mat (?!!! - in order to put him down somewhere when we eat dinner at my in-laws.)
Car seat
Blanket for the car
Camera to photograph baby with all above crappage.

I laugh remembering the days when all I needed to get out the door was my purse.

Pacifier = sign of the devil

2008-03-19T21:19:00.003-04:00

A while back I wrote about our pacifier addiction and I have to believe that even back then I had an inkling of an idea of what I was setting myself up for. Well I have to say if I knew then what I know now I would have taken all 1 million of our pacifiers and torched them into a pile of hot, runny plastic latex on our driveway.

Pacifier withdrawal is no joke people.

In chatting with friends and reading ever more books I one day had this epiphany that the root of all our sleeping issues just might have been the blasted Nuk. I don't want to make any sweeping statements just yet since we're only a few weeks without it but I have a feeling dropping the cursed accessory is doing far more good than harm.

However, it all came at a steep price. Over the course of a few days I tried to take it away from him for naps and when he was fussing during the day. Then the true test came - the first night without. I will shamefully admit I didn't even last half the night until I gave it back to him because he was crying so specifically for it. I gave it to him, and like the little addict he was he aggressively sucked on it for maybe 20 seconds and passed out. Poor little man.

What I should I have known was it was more like, poor little mumma. After giving him the pacifier he proceeded to get up on the hour for the rest of the night, desperately needing his fix without the motor skills to help himself. Dawn broke and my resolve was back. We've been pacifier free ever since.

The following night was treacherous. He cried so intensely and for such a duration that I swear he and I both showed signs of insanity. He thrashed for it and managed to scratch the bejesus out of his face in the process. I wanted to put my head through a glass window.

The night after that was slightly better, and then finally what do you know - he's forgotten all about the silly thing. I have also had to hide them on myself for I realized what an enabler I was, how easily and quickly I would give into him, and how I was the sole reason for his addiction.

Let this be the first of many apologies, Henry, for any emotional damage I might have caused. I sincerely hope this to be the last of any ill addiction you form on my watch.

Oh neglected blog...

2008-03-19T20:56:00.003-04:00

I honestly hate when I let my writing fall by the wayside like this. To make it worse, when sufficient time passes breaking the lull becomes a way bigger deal than it actually is. I keep putting it off, and putting it off essentially making the problem worse. Well tonight, no more. I am back and hopefully with some renewed regularity.

Things here with us have been all over the map. I'm going to try and hit some of the highlights and lowlights in separate entries because I feel we've made some pretty interesting discoveries.

To my loyal readers (all two of you) I apologize for the break in programming. I know you were disappointed.

The Wonder Weeks

2008-02-17T22:54:00.006-05:00

Okay people, know something. Know that I've read A LOT about parenting. While I can't say reading volumes has made me any better of a mother I will say I've learned how to sift the crap from the crap, so to speak. A lot of books about parenting say the same thing over and over again while the others make you feel inadequate if your child doesn't fit the mold. I learned pretty much from the moment I had Henry that all of these books need to be taken with a grain of salt. Having said all that please know it takes quite a bit for me to get excited about a parenting book.

In my frustration with Henry's sleep habits I've been talking with many of my mom friends, commiserating, venting, complaining. Right around the time Henry turned 4 months a friend mentioned the words "sleep regression" -- almost like a whisper, a murmur of some sinister thing that people just don't talk about. Then it came up with another friend, The Mean Mommy said, "You won't find it any book. Google it."

I'm starting to believe.

I hit Google so fast it would make your head spin and sure enough people are talking about these regressions and they are real! It was almost like a funny validation to find these posts and discussions online. Reading them felt like someone took me by the hand and said, "Don't you worry dear, there is a reason for all this but it will get better."

Sleep regressions refer to the deteriorating sleep patterns you can see just before or during a neurological growth spurt. The demand placed on a child just as he or she is going to acquire a new skill is enough to throw them completely off kilter and thus make them not find deep sleep. The book that I'm drooling over lately is this: The Wonder Weeks: How to Turn Your Baby's 8 Great Fussy Phases into Magical Leaps Forward

Tragically, its out of print and thus ridiculously expensive to purchase. If you are lucky enough to have a copy at your local library I highly suggest you go and get your hands on it and renew it repetitively. I, myself, was able to obtain a copy at my library but some other obsessed parent has requested it so sadly soon they are going to attempt to pry it off me. Jerks.

But the dork in me had taken this book, chapter by chapter and summarized it. I did it for my own benefit, but the humanitarian in me is willing to share. If you email me I will send you my notes, no strings attached (just be sure to put the words "Wonder Weeks" in the subject line of your email.) At the time of this posting I still have a few chapters to cover, but if you are patient I promise it will be better than 90% of the parenting "literature" out there.

The standoff

2008-02-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

Now truly, honestly THIS is the post that years from now my son is going to read and say, "Ma, really? You had to tell the world about that?" But I can't help it, I'm elated.

I'm elated about crap. Not a general theoretical reference, but actual crap.

We've had somewhat of a blockage here in our house the last few days. We started cereal last week, and while its been fun I couldn't help but notice the effect its played on my son's GI tract. "Iron Fortified" it says on the box but it fails to also promote that it will make you child's little bum the baby equivalent of Fort Knox. I was starting to get concerned.

In chatting with other mom friends I knew there were such remedies as adding a little prune juice to his bottle, and even more extreme... glycerin suppositories. In just thinking about it I decided that if we had to go the suppository route that it was definitely a daddy job (which of course he emphatically disagreed with.)

However, miracles of miracles this morning, just hours before I planned to call his pediatrician, we all got some relief. I noticed Henry's tell-tale red face grunting and wah-lah! I was actually happy to find the single nastiest, thickest paste of crappy diaper. Even Jim, who often claims whatever diaper he is stuck with is the absolute worst to date, agree this one took the cake.

I can only imagine what we are going to see when we start real food. Good lord.

Holy hair loss

2008-02-08T12:53:00.000-05:00

As if accepting myself in my new post-partum body wasn't hard enough, lately I've been finding full handfuls of my hair are falling out. After reading up on it, I know not to be concerned. Apparently its a balancing effect after all the lustrous locks I gained while with child, but dear God this is GROSS. I'm constantly pulling long strands off the boy, and every time I wash my hair within minutes I'm standing in 2 inches of water for my sheddings that have slowed the drain. Bleck.

If that weren't enough, my once blemish-free skin is anything but. What the heck, hormones? Why you gotta be like that? Combine all this with the few extra pounds I still need to shed and man oh man, I am feeling like one fine looking momma.

Did I mention I've been living in sweatpants this winter?
Hotness.

sleep log: day 127

2008-02-07T20:44:00.000-05:00

First I need to send a huge thank you out to my friends and family. Truly this has been a challenge with Henry's night wakings, but I do know I have the most wonderful support system in place. If nothing else, knowing that I can vent my grievances to you guys is absolutely the best therapy.

My favorite bit of advice of late has come from someone I consider a mommy-superstar, a mother of THREE. (read: The Mean Mommy) She reminded me that sleep deprivation is the most commonly used form of torture. For some odd reason I find solace and comfort in that. She also suggested I sing DMX lyrics to my son, and I love her for it. ("Ya'll goin' make me LOSE MA MIND! Up in here! Up in here!)

Anyways, because I do feel like so many of you are pulling for us I feel the responsibility to keep you posted on our progress, and there is progress to report. Last night Henry (sound the trumpets) only woke at 11pm and 3am. He was definitely up for the day on the dot of 6am, but yes sir I will take it, and take it with a smile on my face.

AND! Tonight he went down without a fuss, which is something I swear he forgot how to do. It was like magic. He ate his cereal, then stayed up a bit longer while Jim and I had our dinner (because he was all smiles and just too cute to put to bed.) When he started doing his "7 mile stare" and gave us a few yawns, I took him into his room and turned down the lights. I nursed him just a bit, just to top him off and put him down in his crib. I told him a few dozen times how much I loved him and tried to boost his confidence by telling him that he could do this. "Just close your eyes" I said, and I think I pleaded with him to stay asleep until 4am. I will positively die if he complies. You mean, all I had to do was ASK YOU???!!!

So that's the up-to-the-minute latest. Its about this time every night that I get a little nervous and think I should really go to bed right this very second, in preparation for battle. So I'm going to end this here and do exactly that.

A whole lot about sleep....

2008-02-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

So Friday night's sleeping performance was most definitely a fluke. A big, fat fluke. Not that I didn't expect that, but it was still hard not to hope that maybe Henry "turned the corner." Alas no, no, no.

I did have a heart to heart with Henry's pediatrician yesterday and I now feel like I have a plan that has been catered to him. I feel the need to write it out, almost like a manifesto or a public declaration of intentions.

The real problem area is sleeping after midnight. Its when all hell breaks loose. The hope is to get him to try and sleep in solid three hour stretches after midnight, which honestly he could have been capable of doing the day he was born, but my man likes to party.

Declaration #1: There will be no more boobs after 7pm, only bottles. Sorry my little man, momma-bonding-time is for the daytime only.

Declaration #2a: When he wakes in the night, he will be given 10 minutes to work it out before we go into his room. If he's still crying after ten minutes, AND its been more than three hours since he last ate he'll get a snack of three ounces and then be put back into his crib. If the bottle doesn't konk him out, he is back on the 10 minute schedule of crying/soothing.

Declaration #2b: The 10 minute crying/soothing schedule is to be implemented if he wakes up before three hours have passed. No bottles before 3 hours.

Declaration #3: Soothing him - for the first hour I will only soothe crib-side and NOT pick him up. If he is still awake after an hour's worth of 10 minute sessions, then I will pick him up and rock him to sleep but try very hard not to hold him for too long. As cold hearted as it sounds we are trying to wean him of his need of me.

That's the plan anyways - sounds so simple when I write it out like that. But oh no, simple it is not.

Allow me to outline our first night on the enforced schedule:

7:45pm - Henry goes to bed and we begin letting him cry in 10 minute shifts (This bedtime is later than usual, mostly because he wasn't showing signs of fatigue like he usually does. He napped pretty well during the day, due to his 4 month shots, so I wasn't too concerned that he was up a little later.) In the past week or so he has not been falling asleep right away like he has in the past, which is part of my frustration of late. It seems like his sleeping patterns have deteriorated.

8:30pm - he FINALLY falls asleep.

Midnight - First waking. Since it had been more than 3 hours since he last ate, I fed him 3 ounces (he doesn't even finish - which tells me he's not really waking because he's hungry.) Henry falls back asleep at 12:30.

2:00am - Second waking - I allow crying in 10 minute shifts.

2:52am - Henry finally falls asleep, which is a shame really because if he had only made it to 3am, I would have fed him. Sorry baby.

Side momma note: The real misery is that because I am fighting this horrible cold I couldn't fall back asleep until 3:30am and then....

4:00am - Third waking. Bottle time, again he doesn't finish - in fact he only has an ounce. He falls asleep at 4:20am.

6:30am - This is the point where I officially can't take it anymore. I pull Henry into bed with me (controversial, I know) and we doze until after 9am. Blissful.

Dear gods of the sleeping babies, please show us improvement tonight. I'm growing fearful that one of these nights I might dissolve into a puddle of ooze right next to our Diaper Champ.

sleep log: day 122

2008-02-02T07:39:00.000-05:00

I swear baby Henry is messing with me.

All week I've been all doom and gloom - thinking I had one of those babies that was determined not to sleep well until he was old enough to self-medicate. Last night I proceeded to have a mini-meltdown, I went to bed super early, was tearful and moaned to my dear husband that, "No, its never going to get better!" (I can honestly say sleep deprivation makes you certifiably insane. Poor Jim had no idea what to do with me.)

After all that drama, what does the dear boy do?
Sleep for EIGHT hours!
Wait, what? He did what?!
I'm still having a hard time believing what I just wrote.

I swear to you people, he went down at 8pm and was up at 4am. I thought I was going to walk into his room and find someone else's kid. My dear boy has NEVER slept that long before. Never ever. I literally almost burst with joy - okay maybe I just felt that way since it had been the longest I've ever gone without nursing him, but I swear my heart was elated.

The down side is that he was pretty much up for the day at 4am, but whatever, I'm hardly complaining. Eight hours! Eight hours! Eight hours!

Now I fully know that the simple act of telling you all about this momentous event means that it will not be repeated for many moons (I'm yet again breaking the golden rule of "Thou shall not speak of your child's sleep habits.") but I don't care. It was blissful and I couldn't keep it to myself.

The eff-it cake

2008-02-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

Today was a rainy, gloomy day here on the eastern coast of Connecticut and since I found myself sleep deprived and in a rancid mood I decided Henry and I should NOT brave the elements. Instead, we had an "in-house day" and to brighten my spirits I decided I should bake. Surely a chocolate cake made of blissful devil's food iced with chocolate ganache would make up for the fact I haven't slept well in a very, very long time.

I'm supposed to be focused on dropping the baby weight and honestly I have been fairly diligent so a little regression in light of the current environment of sleep wakings isn't the worst thing in the world. What I'm trying to say is that I've justified that I deserve it, dammit. All day I've been calling it "the eff-it cake." Diets be damned, parenting is hard and I need a little sweetness.

Just the act of baking it made me feel better. Mixing and baking it up, making my house smell lovely. Its a good thing people.

The truly sick and perhaps ironic thing is that immediately after icing my eff-it cake it broke a huge crack in the middle of it from the stress of itself. Awesome. My cake is speaking to me.

Mumma amiss

2008-02-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know, I know - I haven't posted in a while. Yah, yah, yah.

Truthfully, I've been frustrated.....on many fronts.

First, the silly Google Ads that are supposed to be highlighting text ads for readers to click on are only featuring Katrina PSAs. Truly, Katrina was a horrible, devastating event, but a natural disaster has nothing to do with my blog (or maybe Google is trying to tell me something.) Upon reading up in troubleshooting forums, one suggestion to encourage Google to switch them out was to add more content, topic-specific content. So perhaps if I repeat the words: mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, motherhood, mom, child, mom, baby, mom... that would work.

Yah, I didn't think so.
(UPDATE: oh-ho! Maybe it did work!)

The second frustration has been in the ever grim sleep department. Henry has shown zero improvement in sleeping overnight, in fact he's often worse than ever. Last night I found myself hissing to my unoccupied side of the bed as I paced next to it, "I hate the nights, I hate the nights, I hate the nights."

I'm trying desperately not to race into Henry's room to soothe him the instant he starts crying so as a result I feel like a crazy woman at night. The most I can do is let him cry for 5 minutes, but to be perfectly honest if I saw that was making any impact on him whatsoever I would be encouraged. Instead he will cry in 5 minute bursts, and after an hour and a half I'm physically and emotionally done and I pull him into bed with me....and of course he sleep soundly for hours that way. I think attachment parenting has backfired on me.

So this weekend I'm getting the Ferber book. He is the last of the "sleep experts" that I need to introduce myself to. I've hesitated for many reasons, but I'm approaching my wit's end. I'm not saying that because I'm perusing the book I'll apply the techniques (and quite honestly Henry is probably a bit young for his school of thought) but dear God when Henry won't sleep for more than 2 hours in row I'm a freaking basket case. I would take advice from a bum on the street.

No more ring around the collar

2008-01-22T11:50:00.000-05:00

Another shout out to my main mom Lindsay.... Aquaphor is the bomb. My lovely friend Lindsay came to visit last week and noticed my poor son's "neck chap." She saw it and I cringed. I had been trying everything to keep it under control, but it was breaking my heart that it wasn't getting better. She looked at it and said one word: Aquaphor. You buy it in your local drug store, in the baby aisle (near the petroleum) and I swear within hours it was better. I imagine this stuff would be great for any chapped, dry skin this time of year.

I don't know how I lived without it. Thanks love.

Theory #4 - tank him up

2008-01-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

So as you guys may or may not know, I've become kind of a dork on sleep theories as I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. A couple gems I've come across lately are courtesy of The Baby Whisperer. Tracy Hogg, the so called whisperer, advocates for a more closely monitored, more rigid daily schedule. She teaches you how to read your child and see the cues for fatigue. I have to say, once I knew what to look for naptime became SO MUCH easier. Remarkable really.

What leads me to my latest "Theory in Parenting" is that she talks about "tanking your child up" if he's waking frequently in the night. The idea is that you really fill him full of calories during the day to sustain him overnight - makes sense right?

So yesterday I really focused on getting all good feedings which is easier said than done. Henry is starting to be more aware of his environment and thus, much more distractable. But we stayed the course and the result was positive. He was only up twice! I'll take that!

So here's to pudging out my little boy in exchange for a good night sleep :)
I guess I'll be a food pusher mom.

It really is a miracle!

2008-01-07T20:18:00.000-05:00

Alright this post is a shout out to my best friend and fellow mumma Lindsay (who is also my most diligent comment-maker.) She reminded me of the wonders of the Miracle Blanket. This thing is like the Rolls Royce of swaddlers....there is just no breaking out of it. I will admit, it does look a tiny bit like a straight jacket when you are putting your child in it, but man oh man does it lull them. So as two moms agree, if you are a big fan of wrapping your baby up (especially in the cold months of winter) the Miracle Blanket is the way to go.

Musak for babies

2008-01-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

I have this funny vision of Henry someday standing in an elevator when all the sudden the instrumental version of "Knives Out" (or Knifes as Mr. Thom Yorke would have you believe) by RadioHead starts leaking out the elevator speakers. Henry instantly falls asleep. Alright maybe not instantly - who am I kidding?

But I will say the Rockabye series, very much including the RadioHead version has made naptime much more enjoyable for me and I dare say it DOES lull Henry to sleep. Besides, what better way to introduce him to very good music than through his subconscious?

We also have the Coldplay Rockabye Babyin heavy rotation and one of these days I'm going to pick up The Cure Rockabye Baby because come on, its The Cure. How cool is that?

A mommy logic problem

2008-01-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

If I ever had the interest or the aptitude to apply for a consulting position I imagine I would get slammed with some horrible logic question in the interview like, "How many tennis balls can fit into a 747?" Now is that the passenger compartment alone, or are we including the cargo store?

An interview like that might be the equivalent to my worst nightmare.

Problem: A new mom and her (adorable) three month old son are out running errands. The new mom has precisely two boxes to drop off to be shipped. The boxes are large, cumbersome and the mom and son are alone. How, without leaving her son unattended in the car, does the mom deliver the boxes?

Answer: The mom grows another arm so she can carry the annoying large boxes and her (adorable) son into the store.

I'm not going to lie, I was mentally plagued by this situation all morning. In all fairness Henry would have been fine if I left him for a split second while I dropped off the pre-paid, already packed up boxes and if the year were 1950 I probably would have. But since we are now in the dangerous age of 2008 and last year marked the year of the negligent mother (thank you Britney Spears) I just couldn't do it.

So somehow I managed to get Henry's infant carrier out of the car, then opened the front door to grab the boxes with my free hand while balancing the load against my chest and under my chin. I took the few steps toward my destination and said a quick prayer that someone would open the door for me so I didn't topple all over myself. Somehow I timed it just perfectly and my prayers were answered. A very nice man took one look at me, with all my hair in my face from the blustering wind, he smiled and held the door wide open. I thought I saw sympathy in his eye which is lucky for me for surely he would have been the one to report me to child services if I had left Hank for that instant alone. Thank God for good decisions.

BPA in bottles

2008-01-01T12:52:00.000-05:00

Now I don't mean to stir the pot, but if any of you new parents out there want to speak up, I'd love to hear your thoughts. The topic is BPA. Now previous to having Henry I kind of dismissed the idea of BPA being a harmful agent in many baby bottles. Today, I'm still not sure about it, but I'm starting to think if we have the means to use a different bottle brand maybe we should. Henry only gets one bottle a day usually from his dad and so switching to glass wouldn't be an inconvenience at all. What are your thoughts on it?

My chemist friend and mother of an adorable toddling boy sent me these links to peruse:
http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2007/05/sippy-cup-showdown-safer-bpa-free-sippy.html
http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2007/07/z-report-bisphenol-in-polycarbonate.html
http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2007/11/z-report-bisphenol-in-baby-bottles-and.html

Kind of makes me wonder...

Theories in Parenting

2007-12-29T13:33:00.000-05:00

One thing I wasn't at all prepared for was the enormous amount of guesswork that is involved with parenting. Before Henry was born, in those blissful daydreams of one day having a family I imagined myself with a crying baby on my hands and somehow just knowing what to do about it. "Oh, he's hungry" or "Oh, he's tired." While some level of that is true, more often than not you have to go through the laundry list of possibilities before hitting the nail on the head. Many times the ailment is not even on your laundry list and that's when you need to get creative, which leads me to the thoughts of this post.

Humor me.

1) The latest theory revolves around what I'm told Henry could hear in utero. They say, "they" being the experts on child development, that Henry was able to hear certain tones while in the womb. This leads experts to hypothesize why a newborn baby will instantly react to his parent's voices, having heard them already for many months. However, I'm inclined to think that somehow the sound of the dogs clinking dog tags did not make it through the barrier of amniotic fluid because I swear that sound is piercing to Henry's baby ears. He will sleep through the dogs barking their heads off, but should the dogs shake their head causing a jingle bell effect anywhere near his sleeping head, game over. Sweet naptime is cut short. Solution: tag silencers (yes, they sell these) for the dogs, maybe?

2) Finding the perfect sleep temperature and sleeping outfit. Last night Henry slept like crap and I'm inclined to think it might be because I had him in a fleece shirt and fleece swaddle. I want to believe all that fleece was just too hot for him, because this morning during our bleary eyed first morning diaper change I noticed his hands were clammy. Sorry baby! Tonight we'll do less fleece, more cotton.

3) Bath time equals awesome napping. For the last two days Henry and I have done a mid day bath, as a result of Henry no longer screaming bloody murder during his dunk (thank you GOD!) Yesterday we just had a soak in warm water, no soap, because I don't want to dry out his skin. I swear the "spa treatment" resulted both days in a monster afternoon nap.

I'm going to keep adding to this list as I discover new theories, because I'm sure it will be hysterical to look back on them months from now and laugh at what a dough brain I was for thinking them. Should I theorize about something that might be detrimental to my son's health, please speak up, okay? Sleep deprivation makes one think funny sometimes.

My love is like a tight swaddle

2007-12-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

Last night as I was nursing Henry I was thinking about the things we use every day, without fail. The SwaddleMe® is so much a part of our day-to-day living I equate them with diapers, you just need them on hand.

Often I'll hear of moms who say their child just didn't like to be swaddled. I'm willing to bet if I had my hands on that child I could get him/her to love it. After watching Dr. Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block (DVD) (Another product recommendation, especially for those very first few weeks) I came to understand swaddles are supposed to be TIGHT. Tighter than you, as a new parent might feel comfortable with, but believe me it was tight in that old uterus of yours and the swaddle is like a return to the familiar for your babe.

So wrap him or her up like an overstuffed bean burrito and know it does a baby good.

broke the golden rule

2007-12-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

I should have known better, I really should have. In yesterday's post I was bragging about how predictable Henry is with his first sleeping stretch. I broke the golden rule of motherhood, "Thou shall not speak of your child's sleep habits." Payback is that he was up at 10pm (which is totally unusual for him)....and 1:15, and 3:30, and 5:15 and 6:30. Rockstar.

Quite honestly Henry has been a total pill since Christmas Eve. I think the holiday threw him for a loop either that or he's going through a growth spurt. The latter hypothesis elicits a smirk from my husband who says, "It seems like he's always going through a growth spurt." Its true. When you can't figure it out, blame growing. Damn growing, I shake my fist at you.

Even as I type this, for the last hour and a half Henry has been cranking every 5-10 minutes making me into a jack-in-the-box trying to soothe him. Well at least the constant up and down is a good leg workout. See? There is ALWAYS a silver lining.

In efforts to not lose my mind I'm always trying to think of what can be adjusted to make improvements. I swear as long as I feel like I'm being proactive I won't lose all hope. I mean, he HAS to sleep through the night sometime, right?

Anyways, the new theory that is striking a chord with me is Good Night, Sleep Tight: The Sleep Lady's Gentle Guide to Helping Your Child Go to Sleep , Stay Asleep, And Wake Up Happy. Kim West, the Sleep Lady, seems to have devised a plan that is a kinder, gentler "cry it out." Basically Henry has turned to nursing as his preferred method of soothing himself and I, the nervous first time mother have enabled this. As a result, Henry can't put himself back to sleep and I've done nothing to teach him how to do it. Kim West assures me that Henry will not starve to death if I let him go 4-5 hours overnight (especially at this age) which was music to my ears. So starting tonight I'm going to soothe him crib-side (but NOT pick him up!) if he wakes before he's due to eat. It probably won't be a good first night, these things take time, but we're hoping that by New Years we'll have a new sleeper on our hands. Pray for me people...and send me strength.

mixed bag of updates

2007-12-26T19:55:00.000-05:00

I have a headache. I think the headache is partly due to caloric withdrawal as I'm back on the wagon, the day after Christmas in efforts to drop the baby weight. The headache is probably because my body is expecting thousands of calories of cookies, pumpkin pie and chocolate to be ingested, as that seemed to be the norm the past few days. Dieting is the worst.

I do think I've tapped into something though. Originally I tried to go back to Weight Watchers because I've had some luck with that in the past but attending meetings with the little man proved to be quite difficult so I abandoned ship. I was down, but not out. I thought about joining weightwatchers.com but couldn't bring myself to pay for the service without the benefit of some little old lady weighing me in, making me feel like crap if I gained (I'm serious that's about 90% of the reason that silly plan works for me.) But upon a friend's recommendation I found www.sparkpeople.com which seems to offer all the same things as weightwatchers.com but its free, and that friends means the price is right. So I'm giving that a go. Before Christmas I lost about 4lbs using it for only a few days, then gained 2 back with the holiday gorging, but I'm back on point. Send me strength. This mommy has some baby belly to drop.

As for the sleep situation - still no sign of sleeping through the night, but I do need to continue to give Henry credit where its due. The boy is consistent. He goes to bed really easily around 7pm (knock on wood, jinx, jinx, jinx) and seems to be able to sleep for a good 5 hours. After that he manages 3 or 4 hour stretches, which aren't bad. Really. Its the 60-90 minute stretches that make me want to put a gun to my head. Three hours is a full REM cycle, which is pretty much the equivalent to a full night sleep in mommy jargon.

On the subject of sleep a bit of advice to any mom out there - ignore your friends when it comes to discussing sleep. A lot of my friends with babies Henry's age have had the delirious pleasure of a full night (as in 11 hours) of sleep. It is wonderful, sincerely it is. But it is only when I think about them and wonder about Henry that I start to get frustrated. Don't do it. Don't compare other children to yours. Henry will sleep through the night when he's able. Until then we are bonding hardcore at 4am and I'm grateful for it.

Speaking of bonding and all things baby developmental, a friend of mine recommended this book and I got it for Christmas. Its called Bright From the Start: The Simple, Science-Backed Way to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind from Birth to Age 3. I have to say there are A LOT of baby books out there and most of them I've skimmed and taken with a grain of salt, but this book is fascinating. I'm devouring it. The book really focuses on the science of the child brain and how to best nurture its development. Any new parent will agree there seems to be a silent pressure to buy into the world of baby products, all of which claim to enrich your child and prepare him or her to succeed in life. This book really seems to get to the heart of it and tell you what works and why. I find it really refreshing and even a little relieving, because of the clarity it provides. So many sources talk about what babies should be doing developmentally at any given point in their young lives. This book talks about our roles, as parents, in that development and what simple things we can do (without buying into all the baby junk out there) to best engage and even educate him or her... which quite frankly at this age has been quite the mystery to me. Highly recommend.

Give a mom her eyes back

2007-12-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

I have to say I'm quite proud of this recommendation. In all my online searching for lists of "what to bring to the hospital" no one ever recommended this idea - and its so, so simple. If you, or anyone you know is about to be admitted give them an eye pillow. I seriously had doctors and nurses in my room around the clock. It was exhausting. I wanted to say, "People, I just pushed a person out of me, have mercy!" But they were relentless, they kept coming back and back and back.

I do, in fact, remember thinking the eye pillow was the smartest thing I threw in my overflowing hospital bag because it allowed me to catch a cat nap in the middle of the day when the sun felt like it was burning the retinas of my sore, sleep deprived eyes.

And its the gift that keeps giving! I just used it again today. Henry was down for his afternoon nap and I found myself with time on my hands to curl up in bed myself. My eye pillow was the first thing I reached for and because of it I was able to steal a few precious moments of sleep, and any new mom would whole heartedly agree that is a lovely thing indeed.

Sleep log: day 78

2007-12-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm going to say this - but Henry had a good night. Now, before you get all excited, when I say "good" I simply say it because he wasn't up every 2 hours. He went down fairly quickly a bit before 7pm in a blaze of fuss - he was exhausted and crying bloody murder. Fortunately he succumbed and stayed asleep until midnight. This is fairly typical for him and quite honestly I love him for it. Those hours from 7pm until midnight are like sweet payment for a hard day's work. My couches suck me in and I am one content mumma.

But its after midnight that anything can happen. The sleep spell wears off and I'm at his mercy. However, last night he got up at 3:30am and 5:45. Not bad, not bad. I'll take it.

Due to the fact Henry went to bed before 7pm my husband hardly got to see him and I think was pretty bummed about it. I got to thinking, thinking led to a strategy and now I'm rubbing my hands together in delight. You want to see more of your son? How about taking over the midnight feed so this ragged, dark circled mommy can sleep? The idea of sleeping from 10pm to 2am or 3am makes me squirm in my seat. Four hours CONSECUTIVELY? For real?

I've been pumping one bottle's worth a day and since I try to encourage him to cluster feed in the afternoons (to get him to sleep longer in the night) he hardly touches the bottle when he goes down at 7pm. There is always nearly a full bottle waiting for the midnight feed - the perfect late night bonding tool for a father and son. And while this sweet moment is occurring - don't mind me I'll be passed out and drooling all over my pillow.

Mommy meltdown

2007-12-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

One of our cars is iced in which means my husband has been taking my car to work because its the only way he can get out of the driveway. This leaves me stranded and shut in with a SUPER fussy baby. Sweet.

After dinner tonight I might have looked wild-eyed at my husband and mother (who is visiting) and said, "I think I'm going to go to Babies R' Us and buy a mobile. Henry needs a mobile." They, perhaps sensing how important it was for me to physically get out of the house begged me to be careful but wished me well.

If anything has been learned in these past few weeks since Henry's birth its the importance of my sporadic escapes. I need a break and thankfully my husband knows it.

Humorously, I didn't really look to see what I had on before I left the house but there I was blissfully wandering the aisles of Babies 'R Us in black leggings and a sweatshirt. I was one fine looking, run down, ragged mommy. Its phased me not - Babies 'R Us never looked so much like Disney World. I swear I was on vacation.

all you need to know about nursing bras

2007-12-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

Let's not dance around the fact the target audience for this blog is women, so if there are any men out there reading --well, you are going to have deal with the fact the following post will be of little use to you.

As women readers you know the importance of a good bra. Its right up there with world peace and environmental issues in my book. As I approached the end of my pregnancy I realized my needs in the bra department were about to change. Not only was my size going to be an issue (and as a woman who is already pretty well endowed, this was particularly troubling) but also the new challenge of nursing had to come into play.

I shopped around and tried a few different brands and styles but on a friend's recommendation I tried Bravado Original Nursing Bra and I have to say, this one is a winner. Before Henry I was an "underwire only" lady but was concerned to read that underwire can adversely affect your milk supply (any breastfeeding woman's worst nightmare.) This bra gives all the support I need without the wire and proves to be an easy contraption to operate with breastfeeding. I have two of them and plan to buy at least one more.

Another recommendation I have is for Medela sleep nursing bra. This bra was my best friend in those first few weeks home. It was pretty impossible for me to go to sleep without some sort of bra on because of the dire need of nursing pads (Let's just say sleeping with nursing pads in the beginning prevented the 40 year flood in my house.) The sleep bra gave me just barely the support I needed, and just believe me bra support 24/7 is a good thing AND it gave me a spot to tuck the all important nursing pads.

So all in all, I give these two bras two boobs up. My highest rating.

Sleep log: day 75

2007-12-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

As expected, nothing is forever. Our glorious sleep pattern ended and we had a rough night last night. Apparently Henry wanted to be up for the day at 3:30am and we disagreed over this fact until 5am. I changed his diaper, I fed him, I gave him his pacifier... over and over and over again - yet he was not convinced. Eventually he did doze back, but it was short lived and we were up for the day before 8am.

Now he's passed out in the baby sling for his morning nap and while I know I could crawl back into bed, I really don't think I can fall back to sleep at 9:45am.

Bah humbug, Henry. Bah humbug.

The mommy dance

2007-12-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

As I write this, I am currently entwined in "the mommy dance."

The dance is something I do with my son every night in order to get him down to sleep. A normal night typically goes like this:

Somewhere around 6:45pm-7pm Henry starts to fuss signaling his day is done and he is ready for bed. As he gives us his "tired cry" we frantically prepare his end-of-the-day bottle. (Henry is exclusively breastfed but I do pump one bottle's worth of milk for him a day so that his dad can feed him from time to time.)

Around 7:15 or 7:30, in the midst of his bottle Henry dozes off, and thus the dance begins. Carefully, whomever is feeding him quietly attempts to transfer his to his crib. If he settles into his crib without thrashing, the dance has gone about as smoothly as possible. However, normally we need to bring in old faithful: the pacifier. I know I've gone on about the pacifier previously but it really is amazing to see how the simple act of giving him the pacifier transforms his body to Jell-O and his eyes slam shut.

My only complaint is that Henry has learned the fine art of pacifier slingshot. Somehow, with just the muscles of his mouth he can sling his pacifier clear across his crib and then, of course, immediately regret it. The dance becomes me having to pace back and forth from here at my computer, to his room to reinsert his precious Nuk. From the sounds on the baby monitor I have sitting next to me I can outline the progression of his annoyance - first he'll start to grunt (and usually kick his legs up simultaneously), then the whining begins and ultimately he will cry for his precious oral fixation. I enter the room quietly give him what he seeks and leave quickly.

The dance is performed at least two or three times before he ultimately succumbs and drifts off to sleep. Usually at that point the pacifier will fall out of his mouth, his only dance prop, and I pray to God the simple act of it isn't enough to wake him so to start us dancing from the very beginning.

Mommy vanity in the form of Spanx

2007-12-16T13:55:00.000-05:00

Many new moms I've spoken to complain of the dreaded "bowl full of jelly" that seems to come with your new post partum body. It seems that unless you are someone terribly annoying like Heidi Klum, your abdomen becomes this shapeless, muscleless mass that no matter how many hours of Pilates you do cannot be rectified. Well hello Spanx!

Spanx will be your secret friend for all those times you are inundated with visitors stopping by to see the baby (who by the way will always look at your abdomen to see how quickly you are losing the weight. Jerks.)

There isn't a lot of science behind it, they are kind of like control top pantyhose, without the pantyhose. They keep you pulled in and looking like some shade of your former self, without the terribly depressing dieting and such (because after 9 months of eating whatever you wanted - who really wants to diet?)

Sleep log: day 73

2007-12-15T10:09:00.000-05:00

Woot! Woot! Woot! Attention! Attention! We have had an advancement in the sleep department!

Henry slept last night from 7pm to midnight, from midnight until 4am, and then from 4am until 8am! He dropped his 2 am and 6am feedings and his mother is elated. All week through this nocturnal rough patch all I've been praying for is that he would give me 4 straight hours after midnight. Apparently Henry heard me and answered my prayers and gave me two four hour stretches. Perhaps I'll pay for this obedience later, but for right now I'll take whatever I can get. I woke up this morning feeling like a real person, opposed to the walking dead.

Now, I'm no fool in thinking we've turned the corner - anything can happen tonight. However, just the thought, the idea, that he was able to sleep like that will allow me to hold it together for at least a few weeks to come.

As you can see my needs are little - as long as I get a four hour stretch of sleep every few weeks and I can keep this routine up for the indefinite future.

A relatively unhurried shower

2007-12-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

Everyday somewhere around mid-morning I decide its REALLY time that I shower. Not only do I have that yucky, unshowered feeling but the simple act of bathing prevents me from feeling like a total shut-in especially now as the winter months descend upon our little homestead.

Its funny how something that I once took so for granted is now something I actively prioritize and feel is important to be done daily for me to stay a sane mommy.

Anyways, typically what I'll do is change Henry, feed him and put him the safest place I can think of: his crib. Sometimes I'll take his monitor with me into the bathroom, but I find this to only cause more anxiety for me as I'm already showering at the speed of light. Its not like I can dart out of the stream of water, head full of shampoo when Henry starts to cry so in some ways ignorance is bliss. I get the deed done as quickly as possible so that I can reunite with my little man.

As a result of the lack of monitor, typically I'll turn off the water only to hear him wailing for me. I swear I must scare the crap out of him when I race into his room with a towel piled high on my head because he gives me this wide eyed, terrified look like, "What is that on your head?!"

Anyways, while it might not be as significant as walking or sitting up we did hit a milestone today - Henry entertained himself in his crib while I showered. Its a big deal people. Seriously. When I turned off the water, I near had a heart attack because I didn't hear him. I raced into his room only to find him happily staring at the walls of his crib, hardly a care for me. I was elated and devastated at the same time - my little boy suddenly doesn't rely on me for all of his amusement. Somehow the walls have replaced me.

Pacifier: friend or foe?

2007-12-14T15:49:00.000-05:00

Shortly after deciding Henry was capable of breastfeeding successfully we introduced the pacifier in a moment of weakness. I say "moment of weakness" because while surely millions of parents use pacifiers, I think all will agree it comes at a price.

Our price might be that now I'm worried we have an unhealthy addiction to it. He uses it CONSTANTLY. We have them littered all over our house and its the first thing I reach for when he fusses. I will admit they work well but I dread the day, months/years from now, when I have to take them away.

Buck teeth - here we come.

Henry's pacifier of choice: Gerber Nuks

Sleep log: day 72

2007-12-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to accept the fact that last night was "normal" for babies Henry's age. Down at 7pm, up at midnight, 2am, 4am, 6am and 8am. Yes, that's normal but it's also brutal.

The hardest part is that I know developmentally and physically he is capable of sleeping in 4 hours stretches past midnight....but our little man really needs to see me every 120 minutes it seems. This morning at 4am, I leaned over him and he gave me this huge, gummy smile in the dark. I have to admit even through bleary eyes I was charmed.

In my desperation I'll try any tip or trick that has worked for moms in the past. Tonight I'm breaking out the humidifier and turning down the heat a bit (I think I've been keeping it too, too warm in his room. He might be hot blooded like his dad.) Praying to the baby sleep gods that it works.

Sleep log: day 71

2007-12-13T09:51:00.001-05:00

I can't help but think how long its been since I had a really good night of sleep. An uninterrupted 6 hour stretch (after midnight) would be heaven to me right now.

Currently Henry is going down anywhere between 7pm and 9pm. You would think that if he went down later he would sleep later - not the case. Last night he finally fell asleep close to 9pm, and was up again at midnight, 3am, and 5am. At 5am he really wanted to be up for the day but I just couldn't do it. I put him in the sling, walked with him for a few minutes to calm him down and then melted into the couch. He fell back asleep, thank God and I was able to get a few more precious moments of sleep before he woke up again.

My mother and husband are in my ear about waking Henry up just before I go to bed to feed him. I don't know why but this feels like cruel punishment to me - even though the current schedule is brutal, I don't know that waking him up is ever going to get him to sleep through the night. I don't want to create a habit with that so I think I'm going to go with my gut and not do it.

So I guess I just have to hang on to the thought that it will get better someday soon. In the meantime, more coffee please.

Once upon a time...

2007-12-12T12:34:00.001-05:00

Alright, alright - people gather round. Allow me to tell a tale of woman who didn't have a clue about what it was to bring a person into this world. There need be no dancing around the fact, its my story of how I got here and how naive I was before this whole thing started.

Back in the day, I was a fairly ambitious woman in my pre-motherhood days. Like a lot of the people I surrounded myself with I had a career and tended to it diligently. In fact, I had started a little home business based on my skills as a graphic designer, had a very strong client base and was even featured in a national magazine or two for my work. It was a labor of love, but quite honestly nothing in comparison to what lay ahead.

As all strong minded young women, I felt I could take on just about anything I put my mind to. There was no time to fret the details, just forge ahead and all will fall into place. Such might have been my attitude about getting pregnant and having a child. "It's time." I thought. Heck, if women all over the world have done it, why can't I? And thus, after some consulting with the dear husband, the decision was made.

The very first humbling experience came before things were even out of the gate, so to speak. Emotions ran high with the very first positive pregnancy test. However, the happy reality hardly set in before a very sad miscarriage took place and all came crashing down. It would be months before I could talk about it without welling up. But I can say the silver lining was that if anything it really solidified the fact that I wanted to become a mother, because I never expected to be so upset after such a loss.

Within a few short months, emotions ran high again with the second positive test. This time, however, there was way more apprehension and way more caution as the weeks ticked by. It would be several months before I could breathe easy knowing that the risk of miscarriage had passed. But with the second trimester statistics told me I was most likely okay and I made the decision to have a happy pregnancy rather than live in fear.

The following months went well. No real complications to speak of - sure, I had my bouts with sleepless nights and general aches and pains, but I considered myself lucky. Not so much as one incident of hormone-induced loss of lunch. Never found myself praying to the porcelain God. I'm not going to lie, the last month was a challenge as anticipation set in and my body was at capacity. Luck would have it, however, I would go late with my delivery.

Relief came in the form of an induction date. My dear doctor must have seen desperation in my eyes when I started to complain about a painful, wrenching back. I was a hobbling mess, but even still the little man didn't want to come out on his own. Enter Pitocin, the single most effective yet terrifying drug I've ever encountered. (to read the blow by blow of the birth click here.)

Within a matter of hours, we had our Henry and a new love. In some ways it feels futile to me to try and put into words what the experience of having Henry in our lives has been like, however I'm going to try to explain it, through the contents of this blog and if nothing else it might be just a stream of conscience that serves me as a written album of my daily thoughts and discoveries. Its entirely different road than I expected, its challenged me in ways I never thought possible - but I can say with all certainty that it is entirely worthwhile.